The Joke Station

[SpaceBar]

Everyone loves a laugh, right?

Post your best rib-ticklers, puns or funny stories here. SpaceBar has many jokes.

[bunnydixon]

*mutters*

spacebar is the joke

;) :p

[ortrules]

rib-ticklers

That sounds painful.

[Pung]

You cant start a theme thread without popping its cherry Spacebar! *please note that Pung capitalized Spacebar*

[ortrules]

You cant start a theme thread without popping its cherry Spacebar! *please note that Pung capitalized Spacebar*

Too bad it's SpaceBar - ass. :p

I was going to come on and say how shocked I was to see you posting something that doesn't involve boobs, but your "popping its cherry" line was a good substitute. Kudos to you good sir!

[Pung]

Too bad it's SpaceBar - ass. :p

I was going to come on and say how shocked I was to see you posting something that doesn't involve boobs, but your "popping its cherry" line was a good substitute. Kudos to you good sir!

A thank you. I would also like to point out that I have been posting many a bottoms since yesterday :D. Trust me, I want season 6 to come just as bad as you do.

[Pung]

Ok I will get it going with a funny one I have heard a couple times recently...


0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[bunnydixon]

Ok I will get it going with a funny one I have heard a couple times recently...


0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.




hehehe!!! i like that one!

[Lieutenant Dan]

Lost joke that I saw somewhere at somepoint

What is Michael's favorite dance?









The WAAAAAAAAAAALTz!

[Desi420]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

[JfromtheD]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

I don't get it.

:D

[SpaceBar]

I had no time to make any jokes as I was leaving work....

I had to go to the opticians yesterday and guess who I bumped into?

EVERYONE!!

[boutte]

My wife is such a bad cook. I came home one day and the flies were fixing the screen door.

Rodney Dangerfield.

[LostLate]

Ok I will get it going with a funny one I have heard a couple times recently...


0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



LMAO, Bob and his wife live next door to Joe and his wife, Joe is also missing. When last seen, Joe was trying to console his wife because she was upset about the size of her small chest. Joe told her to take a piece of toilet paper and rub in between her b00bs each day. "Will that make them grow?", she asked. And Joe replied, "It worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[Unbridled Pageantry]

Lost joke that I saw somewhere at somepoint

What is Michael's favorite dance?











The WAAAAAAAAAAALTz!


Good one Dan,
Your earning your magic legs.

[Unbridled Pageantry]

Here are two original Unbridled jokes.
Joke #1
Q:::What is the only illegally hunted breakfast food??


A:::A poaced egg.


Joke #2
Q:::Why were the potato chips kickked off of the all nude beach??


A:::They were all-dressed.

[bunnydixon]

Here are two original Unbridled jokes.
Joke #1
Q:::What is the only illegally hunted breakfast food??


A:::A poaced egg.


Joke #2
Q:::Why were the potato chips kickked off of the all nude beach??


A:::They were all-dressed.

oh dear.....:p

[SpaceBar]

What if you have bacon from a stolen pig?

[stargazer]

From Cheers-

Sam: What'll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

[sirchin]

A big, ugly, irate woman carrying a goose under her arm goes into a bar looking for her husband. A drunk at the bar looks her way and says, "What the hell are you doing in here with that pig?. The woman replies " I have you know, this is a goose!. The drunk replies, "I was talking to the goose!.

[boutte]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

"You're not eating properly."

[boutte]

Two lions are walking through the jungle when one lion licks the 2nd lion's butt. Lion 2 thinks this wierd but doesn't sat anything. A couple of minutes the first lion licks the second lions butt again,

Why do you keep licking my butt? asks lion 2.

Lion one says, "I just had a lawyer for lunch and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[boutte]

Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and George Bush are on ship when it begins to sink. Carter jumps up and yells " Save the women and children!"
Bush screams "Screw them!" and runs for the life boats.
Clinton jumps up and says "Do you think we have time?"

[boutte]

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

[boutte]

Henny Yougman jokes..........

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.

[boutte]

Rita Rudner Jokes

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.


Jerry Seinfeld Jokes

What the hell were they doin' with a car on the g-d damn moon? You're on the moon already! Isn't that far enough?

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Bozo the Clown. Do we really need "the Clown"? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

[boutte]

Ok, I quit !

[Jelena]

-

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?



ROFLMAO
Jerry Seinfeld is a genius!

[Jelena]

From awkwardfamilyphotos.com (they have stories there too)

"When I was pregnant with my first child, my Grandma passed away. I didn’t have anything to wear to the funeral, so I had to settle on a low-cut maternity blouse that made my breasts look enormous and made me very self-conscious. After the funeral, one of my aunts approached me and in front of the entire family, loudly announced: “You are getting a fabulous chest!!!” I turned six shades of red and blurted out defensively, “I can’t help it. Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve gone up a couple of cup sizes.” She was actually referring to a chest of drawers that I had unknowingly inherited….um…yeah…very awkward."

LOL

[SpaceBar]

It really irritates me when we go to a family wedding, cos I get all my grannies and aunties giggling, saying 'You'll be next, you know. You'll be next!'

I got my own back though. I started saying the same thing at funerals.

[bunnydixon]

hehehe - very good folks :D

[SpaceBar]

Bunnydixon walks into a building.

[SpaceBar]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

'Hey,' says the Englishman. 'Did you hear the one about us?'

[bunnydixon]

Bunnydixon walks into a building.

again :p

[boutte]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

'Hey,' says the Englishman. 'Did you hear the one about us?'

A priest, a rabbi and mullah walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this a joke?"

[mcgarnigle]

This real ahole pro golfer is in japan for a tour event. he's carousing at the bar the night before he goes out for the tournament. he's getting **** canned and takes a japanese woman back to his room and jumps her bones. He's making her scream "motsosuki", "motsosuki", and he's yelling at her having a good time.

next day at tournament he's in his group and a japanese golfer hits an amazing shot, ahole golfer thinks to himself "i gotta give this guy a compliment", so he says to the japanese golfer "motsosuki".

Japanese golfer looks at ahole and says " what do you mean wrong hole?"

[lynnhart]

Rita Rudner Jokes


Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?



Reminds me of the sign in the drive thru window at my local McDonald's - Braille menus available.

[Nip McSizzle]

here's s few from the inner circle of the mcsizzle clan.


what does a giant Canary say?






CHIRP



why are cows considered the smartest animals out there?





because they are outstanding in their field.




a guy is sitting at the bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a blonde joke. the bartender leans in real close to the guy and says" listen, see the guy at the end of the bar...fifth degree black belt in karate and he's a blonde... see the lady sitting in the booth on the other side of the room, professional body builder and she happens to be blonde.....see the gentleman sitting at the table in the middle of the building, he is a bouncer for this bar....and he is a blonde......now I ask you this sir.......are you REALLY sure you want to tell a blonde joke in the establishment?"

the guy responds with " no, not if I have to repeat it 4 or 5 friggin times"

[boutte]

On a cleaner note...........

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before

Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

When it's my time, I want to go like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep... not screaming like the passengers in his car...

[losttime]

When it's my time, I want to go like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep... not screaming like the passengers in his car...

That was funny. Hey LOCKEing how are you

[boutte]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[boutte]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[sirchin]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Good one!!!!!!!

[wiley]

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that’s okay. I don’t want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don’t want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

[wiley]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse, he mumbles, from behind
the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Embarrassed the young nurse
replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper
body and feet. He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check.
Are my testicles black? Concerned that he may elevate his blood
pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing
wrong with them, Sir!’


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles
at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……



A r e - m y - t est - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[wiley]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ‘I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.’

The doctor says, ‘I see. Well, take these pills and come back to see me next week.’

The next week the lady goes back. ‘Doc,’ she says, ‘I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.’

The doctor says, ‘Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…’

[SpaceBar]

Great ones, people. Brilliant.

A man is sat at home one night when he gets a phone call from his son.

'Oh Dad,' he screams in a high pitched voice. ' I was out driving in your truck and I just knocked a pig down in the middle of the road! It's lying there screaming Dad, it's horrible.'

The man takes charge. 'Listen son, calm down. There's a rifle under the passenger seat. Take it out and put the poor thing out of it's misery.'

'O...ok. One second.'

The dad hears a car door slam and a gun shot. A minute later, the son comes back on the phone.

'Alright Dad, now what?'

'Ok, well done son. Now grab it's legs and drag it out to the side of the road.'

The boy does so and a few minutes later gets back on the phone. 'Dad, I did it. It was horrible, but it's done.'

'Well done, son,' he says. 'I'm proud of you, now come on home.'

'Home?!' screams the son. 'I can't come home. It's bike is still stuck under the freakin' truck!'

[bunnydixon]

a male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse, he mumbles, from behind
the mask. ‘are my testicles black?’ embarrassed the young nurse
replies, ‘i don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper
body and feet. He struggles to ask again, ‘nurse, please check.
Are my testicles black? Concerned that he may elevate his blood
pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, there’s nothing
wrong with them, sir!’


the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles
at her and says very slowly, ‘thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……



a r e - m y - t est - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Unbridled Pageantry]

Hey, I think I had a joke deleted.
I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever had to be directing deleted.
I feel honoured, and it was deserved; I guess.
Who knew sodomizing bax was such a sensetive subject? I thought it would have been encouraged.
:)

[Jelena]

Hey, I think I had a joke deleted.
I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever had to be directing deleted.
I feel honoured, and it was deserved; I guess.
Who knew sodomizing bax was such a sensetive subject? I thought it would have been encouraged.
:)

Oh boy, wait till you see how the butt thread got butchered.:( And for the motives behind it, search "Crossing the line" thread.

[spartygirl]

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch ofyoung women skinny-dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

============================

[spartygirl]

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
> 'Husband Wanted'.
> Next day she received a hundred letters.
> They all said the same thing:
> 'You can have mine.'

[notsolost42]

Great stuff Sparty!!!! Very cute!!!

[spartygirl]

TO MY SISTAHS
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - mix it with vodka and turn them into lemontinis

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bull****!



13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest,

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.



15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

hehehe...I love # 8 and 11

[notsolost42]

Heeheeheehee!!!! I like #3, #4, and #11! Can you tell I need a drink RIGHT NOW!!!!!

[spartygirl]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day.......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart..
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

[spartygirl]

I am

passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all

use a little more calmness in our lives during these troubling times.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can

find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace

is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."




So,i looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't

finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a

bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of

Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the

cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea

how freaking good I feel right now!!

[spartygirl]

I was traveling and had to stop and use a restroom....

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones… don't you just love them.

[spartygirl]

Great stuff Sparty!!!! Very cute!!!

hahhaaha..I just found this thread...Im on a roll LOL

[notsolost42]

hahhaaha..I just found this thread...Im on a roll LOL

You go girl!!!!!

[spartygirl]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'



Lottery night comes and she still has no luck...

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket

[notsolost42]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'



Lottery night comes and she still has no luck...

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to all the blondes out there! This is just too funny!!!!!!

[spartygirl]

An old lady got pulled over for speeding...


Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner...

Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don't Mess With Old Ladies



Hehehehe..this will be me someday !!! LOL:p


















!

[notsolost42]

An old lady got pulled over for speeding...


Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner...

Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don't Mess With Old Ladies



Hehehehe..this will be me someday !!! LOL:p


















!

Hahahahahahaha!!!!! You and Lockeing!!!!! lol!!!!!! Great stuff!

[LostLate]

Hahahahahahaha!!!!! You and Lockeing!!!!! lol!!!!!! Great stuff!

Two old ladies, Ethel and Mabel are driving down the road.
Mabel, the passenger, notices that they JUST made it through the red light.

At the next light, Mabel notices that the light turned red before they got through

At the following light, Mabel notices that the light is Red for several seconds before they get through.

At the next light, the light is red for QUITE a while before they get through,

Finally, Mabel says, "Ya know, the last few lights were red Ethel"

And Ethel replies...."OH CRAP, am I driving??"

[sirchin]

Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[notsolost42]

Two old ladies, Ethel and Mabel are driving down the road.
Mabel, the passenger, notices that they JUST made it through the red light.

At the next light, Mabel notices that the light turned red before they got through

At the following light, Mabel notices that the light is Red for several seconds before they get through.

At the next light, the light is red for QUITE a while before they get through,

Finally, Mabel says, "Ya know, the last few lights were red Ethel"

And Ethel replies...."OH CRAP, am I driving??"

LMAO!!!! They must live in Floridaaaaaah!!!!!! hahahaha

[spartygirl]

Two old ladies, Ethel and Mabel are driving down the road.
Mabel, the passenger, notices that they JUST made it through the red light.

At the next light, Mabel notices that the light turned red before they got through

At the following light, Mabel notices that the light is Red for several seconds before they get through.

At the next light, the light is red for QUITE a while before they get through,

Finally, Mabel says, "Ya know, the last few lights were red Ethel"

And Ethel replies...."OH CRAP, am I driving??"



LMAO.....Yep....that will be me also !!! LOL

[Nip McSizzle]

2 hillbillies are sitting on the top of a hill drinking beers.

Bob looks at Hank and asks him, "Hey Hank...if I were to sneak over to your house while you were at the store, make love to your wife, and then her and I had a kid.....would that make us kin?"

Hank takes a deep chug off his beer and replies with, "Nah.....but it would make us even!"

[spartygirl]

2 hillbillies are sitting on the top of a hill drinking beers.

Bob looks at Hank and asks him, "Hey Hank...if I were to sneak over to your house while you were at the store, make love to your wife, and then her and I had a kid.....would that make us kin?"

Hank takes a deep chug off his beer and replies with, "Nah.....but it would make us even!"

OMG...too funny LOL

[notsolost42]

Okay, I'll give this a try but I warn you, I am really bad with jokes and only know a few bad ones. So, here goes:

question: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?


Answer: You can unscrew the lightbulb.



Ba-rum-bum!!!! I warned you it was bad!!!! heeheehee

[spartygirl]

Okay, I'll give this a try but I warn you, I am really bad with jokes and only know a few bad ones. So, here goes:

question: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?


Answer: You can unscrew the lightbulb.



Ba-rum-bum!!!! I warned you it was bad!!!! heeheehee

hhaaa....you are bad !!!

and you are flying under radar !!! LOL...I'll drink to that !!
btw...Im gonna try a couple of your recipes this up coming week..!!!

[Nip McSizzle]

Okay, I'll give this a try but I warn you, I am really bad with jokes and only know a few bad ones. So, here goes:

question: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?


Answer: You can unscrew the lightbulb.



Ba-rum-bum!!!! I warned you it was bad!!!! heeheehee

OMG (slaps forehead and then cries) that is too much. :rolleyes:

Old man and an old lady in a nursing home. The old man hobbles over to the lady with a shaky walker and looks at the woman and asks, "do you know how old I am?"

The old lady reaches around behind the old man and squeezes his butt really hard. He flinches and looks at her funny. She replies with, "Your 86 years old!"

"That is amazing", replies the old man, "how did you know that?"

She turns around to walk away and looks back over her shoulder, and says, "Easy.....you told me yesterday!"

:eek::p

[notsolost42]

hhaaa....you are bad !!!

and you are flying under radar !!! LOL...I'll drink to that !!
btw...Im gonna try a couple of your recipes this up coming week..!!!

LOL! It's not a dirty joke but it is a little bit suggestive. Not too much though, do you think? hahaha
I hope you enjoy the recipes! What are you gonna make?

[notsolost42]

OMG (slaps forehead and then cries) that is too much. :rolleyes:

Old man and an old lady in a nursing home. The old man hobbles over to the lady with a shaky walker and looks at the woman and asks, "do you know how old I am?"

The old lady reaches around behind the old man and squeezes his butt really hard. He flinches and looks at her funny. She replies with, "Your 86 years old!"

"That is amazing", replies the old man, "how did you know that?"

She turns around to walk away and looks back over her shoulder, and says, "Easy.....you told me yesterday!"

:eek::p
heeheehee!!!! This one belongs in the Grabby thread, too!!!!! lol

[spartygirl]

OMG (slaps forehead and then cries) that is too much. :rolleyes:

Old man and an old lady in a nursing home. The old man hobbles over to the lady with a shaky walker and looks at the woman and asks, "do you know how old I am?"

The old lady reaches around behind the old man and squeezes his butt really hard. He flinches and looks at her funny. She replies with, "Your 86 years old!"

"That is amazing", replies the old man, "how did you know that?"

She turns around to walk away and looks back over her shoulder, and says, "Easy.....you told me yesterday!"

:eek::p



ooghh....this needs to go to the Wed --hump day/grab a$$ day thread...I love it :D

[JfromtheD]

How many Lost.com members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors
36 to theorize which method of changing light bulbs would be superior
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
10 to argue that the lightbulb shouldn't have been changed, that it always went out... whatever happened, happened.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

How many Lost.com members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors
36 to theorize which method of changing light bulbs would be superior
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
10 to argue that the lightbulb shouldn't have been changed, that it always went out... whatever happened, happened.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

and 1 to question whether the hourglass shaped lightbulb is more offensive than the new screw shaped mercury vapor ones.;)

[tpbaxter]

How many Lost.com members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors
36 to theorize which method of changing light bulbs would be superior
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
10 to argue that the lightbulb shouldn't have been changed, that it always went out... whatever happened, happened.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

5 to post provocative pictures of people changing light bulbs
10 to start new post discussing the appropriateness of photos of people changing light bulbs
1 to make unrelated comments about personal religious views
25 to argue with person stating religious views
2 moderators to start arguing with each other in light bulb thread
8 to make off-hand sarcastic remarks about light bulbs

[bunnydixon]

how many lost.com members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors
36 to theorize which method of changing light bulbs would be superior
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
7 to post url's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
10 to argue that the lightbulb shouldn't have been changed, that it always went out... Whatever happened, happened.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

lol!!!!!!!

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

and 1 to question whether the hourglass shaped lightbulb is more offensive than the new screw shaped mercury vapor ones.;)

5 to post provocative pictures of people changing light bulbs
10 to start new post discussing the appropriateness of photos of people changing light bulbs
1 to make unrelated comments about personal religious views
25 to argue with person stating religious views
2 moderators to start arguing with each other in light bulb thread
8 to make off-hand sarcastic remarks about light bulbs

6 to look up skirt of lightbulb changer (see bunny birthday threads)
4 to express religious aversion to electricity

[bunnydixon]

those were shorts i'll have you know!!

[Nip McSizzle]

This one I hope won’t be too risky. If you don’t like it then take it out.



This guy is out playing golf at his favorite course. He drives the ball and it heads into the tree line. From a distance he hears “OUCH”.

He approaches the noise and realizes that he has hit a leprechaun on the head with his ball. “sorry”, he says. “are you all right?”

The leprechaun says “yes…I’m fine…..and today is your lucky day…….for finding me I get to allow you 3 wishes”.

The guy says, “Sorry…I don’t want your wishes” and he turns around and walks away.

The leprechaun says to himself, “I’m going to give him 3 wishes anyway. First wish is he is going to have a bottomless wallet full of money. Second wish is he is going to be one of the best golfers in the world, and for his third wish…I am going to make sure he has the best sex life he has ever had.


One year goes by------------the guy comes back to the same course. Drives his ball into the tree line. He goes after the ball and to his surprise he finds the leprechaun in the woods.

“I told you I don’t want any of your wishes”, he says.

“no, no, no”, says the leprechaun …..”I just want to ask you a couple of questions. How is your money situation anyway?”

The guy looks at him funny and says, “you wouldn’t believe it…every time I reach into my wallet I pull out at least $100.00.”

“Wow….that is great”, says the leprechaun, “so how is your golf game?”

“Excellent”, says the guy. “played against Tiger Woods the other day, and won……couldn’t believe it!!”

“Great, great”, says the leprechaun. “……….so how is your sex life treating you?”

“I get it about 2-3 times a month”, says the guy.

The Leprechaun looks at the guy in total disbelief, “2-3 times a month!!!………. Holy cow.....why is that?”

The guy shrugs his shoulders and say, “Hey….not bad for a small town priest”

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

Nice signature Lockeing. But I'm concerned that it might be "sexually oriented", and thus offensive for this forum. :D Sorry, had to bring that one up, I've no intention of hijacking this laughable thread, so, carry on as you were people. ;)

S'okay, ... already got it cleared from TPTB first.

**cocks head Juliet style** But thank you, Jel...

[Jelena]

S'okay, ... already got it cleared from TPTB first.

**cocks head Juliet style** But thank you, Jel...

Oh, I moved my comment to the "Crossing the line thread", cause you posted there too, and it just seems more appropriate that I should state my concerns there. ;)

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

Oh, I moved my comment to the "Crossing the line thread", cause you posted there too, and it just seems more appropriate that I should state my concerns there. ;)

WHOA!~ I just saw a flash!! What happened to my post!!?? I didn't know you were that powerful, Jel! That was certainly weird! You took me WITH you!!!

[Unbridled Pageantry]

s'okay, ... Already got it cleared from tptb first.

**cocks head juliet style** but thank you, jel...

dingdingdingding
****alarms****
dingdingdingding

[bunnydixon]

dingdingdingding
****alarms****
dingdingdingding

hahahaha! i snarfed again!

you on fire my keamyish maple syrup friend :D

[bunnydixon]

and i also love your sig mrs l ;)

[JohnQ]

dingdingdingding
****alarms****
dingdingdingding

Mrs. Linus, you are filthy! :D

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

dingdingdingding
****alarms****
dingdingdingding

LOL and OMG! I was afraid after clicking "post" that that one would send you running! LOL..... oh, well, too late now....:D

[Jelena]

WHOA!~ I just saw a flash!! What happened to my post!!?? I didn't know you were that powerful, Jel! That was certainly weird! You took me WITH you!!!

*pretends she knows what Lockeing is on about*
Live and learn my friend. ;) :D

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

Mrs. Linus, you are filthy! :D

geeeeez... :o.... I guess it was freudian...

[losttime]

A guy working in construction was accidently run over by a steam roller while paving a road. Somehow he survived the accident and was rushed to the hospital. His wife showed up and told the nurse who she was and asked where she would be able to find her husband. The nurse replied "Oh yes Mr Smith is in rooms 7, 8, and 9".

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

A guy working in construction was accidently run over by a steam roller while paving a road. Somehow he survived the accident and was rushed to the hospital. His wife showed up and told the nurse who she was and asked where she would be able to find her husband. The nurse replied "Oh yes Mr Smith is in rooms 7, 8, and 9".

LOL.... eww, but..LOL :D

[losttime]

LOL.... eww, but..LOL :D

Glad you enjoyed it. And clean right?

[losttime]

A very wealthy businessmen had called his house to speak to his wife and the cleaning lady happened to answer the phone. When he asked to speak to his wife, the cleaning lady informed him that she was entertaining a guy and that she was sorry she hd to be the one to tell him this. Outraged the wealthy buinessmen said to the cleaninglady, "How would you like to never have to work again and live very well?" She responded with an obvious "Of course I would" He said "Great, go in the top draw of my desk and I havea gun there. I want you to kill my wife and that dirty S.O.B she is with. She puts dwn the phone comes back 5 minutes later and she says "its done, they are both dead." he responded, "Congratulations you are now very wealthy" Than he asked her where she put the gun and she said she threw it in the pool. Sounding very starled he said "The Pool? I dont have a pool. Didnt I dial 555-3838?"

[spartygirl]

A very wealthy businessmen had called his house to speak to his wife and the cleaning lady happened to answer the phone. When he asked to speak to his wife, the cleaning lady informed him that she was entertaining a guy and that she was sorry she hd to be the one to tell him this. Outraged the wealthy buinessmen said to the cleaninglady, "How would you like to never have to work again and live very well?" She responded with an obvious "Of course I would" He said "Great, go in the top draw of my desk and I havea gun there. I want you to kill my wife and that dirty S.O.B she is with. She puts dwn the phone comes back 5 minutes later and she says "its done, they are both dead." he responded, "Congratulations you are now very wealthy" Than he asked her where she put the gun and she said she threw it in the pool. Sounding very starled he said "The Pool? I dont have a pool. Didnt I dial 555-3838?"

Ooppsss!!! :eek: LOL !!!!

[losttime]

Ooppsss!!! :eek: LOL !!!!

I am doing my best to keep the jokes Kosher LOL

[bunnydixon]

i really cant post any of mine :p

[losttime]

i really cant post any of mine :p

Well you can just probably get deleted lol

[wiley]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she Grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed. "Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until You're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[wiley]

Doctors' Opinions of Universal Health Care: When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion, here's what they had to say:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided the plan just didn't cut it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, and the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Finally, the Proctologists calmed everyone down, promising it would all turn out fine in the end.

[wiley]

How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich, by the Losties

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout "HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?"
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering "I don't need no sandwich"
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one's looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone's knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich "brother"
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else's sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you'll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Darlton
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it's a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other ****, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

LMAO, Wiley! That was reeeeely good!
I especially liked Kate's method! :D

[Unbridled Pageantry]

Nice to see the Joke station back.
So tpbaxter and I are walking through a field one day, when all of a sudden we come across a goat with its head in the fence.
I look at bax and say, "Hey watch this, I'm gonna have some fun."
I walk up and gently free the goats head out of the fence. Then tpbaxter, the goat, and myself all head to the local ice cream parlour four a double scoop.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

How is duct tape like LOST?
It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together!

[S.T]

Sadly, my only good ones are lawyer jokes which I would rather not expose in this thread. Its truly amazing what you learn in Law School. ;)

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

Sadly, my only good ones are lawyer jokes which I would rather not expose in this thread. Its truly amazing what you learn in Law School. ;)

Try us..,... go on.....

[LissaMarie]

How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich, by the Losties

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout "HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?"
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering "I don't need no sandwich"
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one's looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone's knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich "brother"
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else's sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you'll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Darlton
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it's a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other ****, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

Wiley, YOU are my hero. That was too much! Bravo!! :)

[Pung]

Wiley, YOU are my hero. That was too much! Bravo!! :)

Seriously, that was the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Great job Wiley!

[Jelena]

I found this yesterday - chest haircuts, ROFL!

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_01.jpg

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_03.jpg

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_09.jpg

[Pung]

This is terrible, yet I cant look away.... :o

[SpaceBar]

Thank you SO MUCH, Wiley.

You have done the Joke Station proud.

[SpaceBar]

A man goes to court after a dispute with his neighbour.. He can't afford a lawyer, so he is given one. His opponent, however, is very wealthy and gets himself a very successful smart one.

In court, the man's opponent runs circles around him thanks to his lawyer and in the end, he loses the case. Fed up with lawyers and courts and judges, the man goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. After a few drinks he stands up and proclaims 'All lawyers are idiots!'
'Hey watch your mouth, that's offensive!' comes a shout from across the room.
'Oh,' sneers our guy. 'Are you a lawyer?'
'No,' comes the reply. 'I'm an idiot.'


(SpaceBar is sorry, that's really bad.)

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

I found this yesterday - chest haircuts, ROFL!

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_01.jpg

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_03.jpg

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab282/Tinkler/chest_haircuts_09.jpg

LOL Jelena, we need to find you a hobby. LOL

[boutte]

A man goes to court after a dispute with his neighbour.. He can't afford a lawyer, so he is given one. His opponent, however, is very wealthy and gets himself a very successful smart one.

In court, the man's opponent runs circles around him thanks to his lawyer and in the end, he loses the case. Fed up with lawyers and courts and judges, the man goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. After a few drinks he stands up and proclaims 'All lawyers are idiots!'
'Hey watch your mouth, that's offensive!' comes a shout from across the room.
'Oh,' sneers our guy. 'Are you a lawyer?'
'No,' comes the reply. 'I'm an idiot.'


(SpaceBar is sorry, that's really bad.)

:p I love lawyer jokes.

[S.T]

A man goes to court after a dispute with his neighbour.. He can't afford a lawyer, so he is given one. His opponent, however, is very wealthy and gets himself a very successful smart one.

In court, the man's opponent runs circles around him thanks to his lawyer and in the end, he loses the case. Fed up with lawyers and courts and judges, the man goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. After a few drinks he stands up and proclaims 'All lawyers are idiots!'
'Hey watch your mouth, that's offensive!' comes a shout from across the room.
'Oh,' sneers our guy. 'Are you a lawyer?'
'No,' comes the reply. 'I'm an idiot.'


(SpaceBar is sorry, that's really bad.)

Yeah those Lawyers are so stupid.

[boutte]

Yeah those Lawyers are so stupid.
That's what they'd like us to believe.

[S.T]

That's what they'd like us to believe.

Dammit you figured us out. Nothing establishes credibility like stupidity.

[krakup]

Dammit you figured us out. Nothing establishes credibility like stupidity.

lol i know i should think thats a joke but hmmmm

[S.T]

lol i know i should think thats a joke but hmmmm

Is it a joke? Hmmmmm

[wiley]

Check these out, pretty funny. My favorite is the last one "Lost Babies".

http://www.cracked.com/blog/you-have-103-days-to-watch-103-episodes-of-lost-in-the-meantime-here-are-joke-songs-about-lost/

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

That was particularly entertaining, Wiley!:p

[boutte]

I'm beginning to suspect we're all seriously unbalanced.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

This isn't a joke but it's just so freakin' funny, I had to laugh through the entire thing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUpXJ2PHsqg

[boutte]

i have a friend who lives in The World of Warcraft. He only stops because he has to work and sleep. Otherwise he'd spend 24/7 playing that game. It pretty much cost him his marriage.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

i have a friend who lives in The World of Warcraft. He only stops because he has to work and sleep. Otherwise he'd spend 24/7 playing that game. It pretty much cost him his marriage.

LOL yeah, and I guess that's also why WE'RE all here on Lost.com too, huh?
:D:D:D:D

[boutte]

LOL yeah, and I guess that's also why WE'RE all here on Lost.com too, huh?
:D:D:D

Yeah but, huh, that's different. :o

[mcgarnigle]

knock, knock.

who's there?

September 11th.

September 11th who?

You said you'd never forget!!

[Nemesis Prime]

Did you hear about the new musical group from Haiti?


New Blocks on the Kids

[shotgun willy]

so a guy walks into the bar with an octopus on his arm, sits down, and bets the bartender that this octopus can play ANY musical instrument you set in front of it. well, the bartender thinks this is easy money, so he sits the octopus down in front of the piano, and in no time, the thing is rocking out some boogie woogie. Holy **** says the bartender, next, they give the octopuss a guitar, same thing, hes jamming in 10 seconds. So the bartender goes to the back room, and brings out a set of bagpipes, gives them to the octopuss, and the thing starts fiddling with them, not playing them, pulling at the tartan bag. The owner says what are you doing?!? the octopus says, im trying to get her jammies off so i can f@ck her!!!