Help...

[Jeremy]

I'm so ****ing stupid...

I don't know what came over me, or at least I'm not too sure. I've been having thoughts like these over the past few nights, though, I think. Point is I finally came through with it. At least, to an extent.

I'd taken a knife from my brother's room, one that looks as if it's meant to open packages, I think. Either way, I wanted to know how it would feel. I guess I went a bit too far and ended up causing blood to spill. Not much, though. I applied pressure to it with a damp cloth and it stopped. But it still stings, and now it's started aching, too, especially when I move my wrist. I don't know if it's related at all or if it's just a product of my fear(after reading Gerald's Game and about how the main character had to cut her wrist to escape, too), but I feel I can't breathe as easily.

I'm not sure whether I should wake my family up, because it's 5:40 am. You guys probably won't be here until after I get help, if any, but I should at least let you know.

...I don't know what it is with me. I guess it was mostly curioity, but I've been having a lot more negative thoughts than usual. Maybe if it wouldn't have been for Alanie I wouldn't be in this mess, but I'm to blame as well. How could I not be?

I wish I didn't feel the way I do. But it's hard. I can't stand a lot of the confusing things going on right now, and I can't help but feel I won't have the kind of future I want no matter what I do.

[Anisum]

Hey you

Hope you are allright?
I'm not sure that I'am able to help you (living on the other side of the world) but I can tell you that
1. If it is your family you should wake them up at any time you need them to be with you! They will understand!
2. Pain passes by! If you need this kind of body-experience get yourself pierced or tattooed! I'm serious about that, sometimes in this crazy world out there you do not know what is real/imagination, what is true/false, what is right/wrong, and the only thing you can be sure about is YOU and your body. It's this kind of awareness of your body that gives you this feeling of beeing kept grounded!
3. If it stopped bleeding you do not have to be afraid of more physical problems with this stitch, maybe the pain will rest for a bit...
4. Do you really do not want to feel the way you do? I do not want to sound it banal, but you only get joy and happyness in your life, when there is also space and time for suffering!
And some more of this stuff: please be sure that the future to come is the best future you can get! If you learned something out of Lost, isn't it that you can never ever know what your future is! And the good thing about the future is not that it leads you in this way (money and fame) or that way (love and family), but that there is a future! There are many things, people, experiences yet to come! Do you really want to miss them? Keep you head up high! Even if you are a pessimistic person there is a 50:50 chance that it will turn out right!

And let me tell you from the other side of the earth: A new day will come! And there is a lot of sunshine for you, too!

Really hoping u doing well!

[Jeremy]

Thanks. :)

I guess it would be worth it to feel other things than happiness, but being as confused as I am now simply isn't enjoyable in any way. Maybe there's a lesson in it somewhere, but at the moment I can't see it. If only I knew what's going on with me, I could actually do something productive.

As for waking up my family, well...my mom is stressed enough as it is to be worrying about me, and I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to tell them anyway. I DID tell you guys, but it seems a lot easier to tell this to people who I haven't known all my life. I don't mean to make it sound like you guys are u important, because you aren't unimportant, but it would hurt so much more to have my family disappointed with me.

I don't know about getting tatoos or piercings. Tattoos seem to be pretty permanbant, while scars can heal(well, not if I don't stop picking at them. I hate it but it's what I do). I don't know why I don't want piercings. Hard to explain.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. That plus time to think about it has helped. But I'm going to be really fing tired in the morning.

[shawdawg]

I think that you answered your own question about telling your parents when you said your mom was already to stress about things. I have known people in your situation and I found out that they need someone to talk to about something. It is easy to talk to us but my advice to you is to find someone that you can talk to face to face. Good luck

[boutte]

Jeremy, what you are going through is not unusual especially for teens and especially when that person tends toward the introspective side like yourself. The cutting thing is also fairly common and is a symptom of other problems. I'm not shrink (can't spell psychiartrist) so I won't claim to know what it means but you're a smart kid, do some research. If you're not comfortable talking to your parents about it find some one who can give you some guidance. You mentioned once you were autistic. I'm sure when they made the diagnoses that they refered you to profesional right? Or some one at school.

It's great that you can come here and talk about your issues but I hope that you look a little closer to home for someone who can counsel you. Most people who go in to that line work do so becuase they're compassionate and caring people.

My personal advice, lighten up. Don't take things so seriously.

[hollie425]

=[
dont hurt yourselff

[Jeremy]

Thanks, guys.

I've gone to see a counseler once before, but that was about perhaps 5+ years ago, and I guess it was because of a picture I'd drawn of myself stabbing my teacher. I did overreact, but I'd been pretty upset that our recess was taken away when only the majority of the students hadn't been listening to authority. It seemed unfair to me to be punished for what I had no control over.

But I don't really know if the counselling helped at all. Now I think it might because I think I've grown a lot and understand much more than I did then, but I have no way of getting in touch with such a person unless I go back to public school.

Maybe getting a job and meeting new people there would help. Perhaps it's not so much that I'm in need of any help as it is the need for something new and unfamiliar to happen. Life isn't bad, but it can get stale once in a while.

The good thing is I'm sure this is going to be an isolated case. I don't want to have to put myself through the kind of worrying I was going through at the time when I posted this.

[stargazer]

Jeremy, I wish I could help you. At least you can type your thoughts out and know that you have friends here that will read them and reply. I agree with Boutte and I hope you take his advise. I'll be thinking of you.

[Turnip Queen]

Oh no. You really need to talk to somebody, maybe more than one, and get to the root of this. I had a friend before who confided in me about the same thing, and she had been to a counsellor before that and begged me not to tell her parents because she didn't want to go back to the place, and the best thing I could come up with was to tell her if she ever had the urge to hurt herself, no matter what time of the day or night it was, she should call me and we could talk through the problem and work through it together. It did actually work for her so it was quite a good thing to do, but everyone is different. I figure if you feel that low and that way, you need more love in your life. I feel lonely sometimes and sometimes living inside your head isn't very nice, but I cheer myself up. You need a good friend to support you and you should always type stuff on here too to get something out of your system. I hope you can work through this.

[Here'sLOCKEing at you,Kid]

I agree with the above, Jeremy.
I won't reiterate, just say that you need to discuss it with those who truly can help you get through rough times in your life. And yours has only started.
So we all want you to look forward to your future in a bright way and something to look forward to every day as you mature and learn more how to best cope with bad things as well as savor and love the good things to come your way!

[Jeremy]

Thanks guys. I feel a lot better now just talking about it.

But I also got to speak to Chentae again today. I feel bad relying on her so much for support, but when asked about it she told me it's perfectly fine. I don't want to risk upsetting her by talking to her about my own problems all the time, but I guess if I help her with whatever she may feel, it can work.

I've learned that her parents only allow her to get calls between 9pm-10pm her time(if anyone knows how many hours difference that is, California compared to New Hampshire, it would be helpfull, but I can go and find out myself. If only I wasn't so forgetful), and they can't be long, but at least I can call her at all. And I know it won't be like this forever. It might take a long time, but if we're still together by then, I can finally go out and see her, and we can take things from there and see what happens.