Two lions are walking through the jungle when one lion licks the 2nd lion's butt. Lion 2 thinks this wierd but doesn't sat anything. A couple of minutes the first lion licks the second lions butt again,
Why do you keep licking my butt? asks lion 2.
Lion one says, "I just had a lawyer for lunch and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and George Bush are on ship when it begins to sink. Carter jumps up and yells " Save the women and children!"
Bush screams "Screw them!" and runs for the life boats.
Clinton jumps up and says "Do you think we have time?"
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Jerry Seinfeld Jokes
What the hell were they doin' with a car on the g-d damn moon? You're on the moon already! Isn't that far enough?
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Bozo the Clown. Do we really need "the Clown"? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?
Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.
From awkwardfamilyphotos.com (they have stories there too)
"When I was pregnant with my first child, my Grandma passed away. I didn’t have anything to wear to the funeral, so I had to settle on a low-cut maternity blouse that made my breasts look enormous and made me very self-conscious. After the funeral, one of my aunts approached me and in front of the entire family, loudly announced: “You are getting a fabulous chest!!!” I turned six shades of red and blurted out defensively, “I can’t help it. Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve gone up a couple of cup sizes.” She was actually referring to a chest of drawers that I had unknowingly inherited….um…yeah…very awkward."